By Serena Heslop
Having trouble deciphering those real estate ads? Here’s what they REALLY mean:
- Move-in condition = front door is missing
- Light, open spaces = many holes in the walls
- In-city oasis = a swamp
- All original = original mold, original termites
- Territorial views = sweeping view of neighbor’s blackberry bushes and rusty car collection
- Close to buses = the bus stop is at your front door
- Retro = orange shag carpet, avocado appliances and dark wood paneling
- Wide-open floor plan = previous owner removed supporting walls
- Outstanding = sticks out like a sore thumb
- Convenient = located on a freeway entrance ramp
- Cozy = oversized doghouse
- Lower level family room = Ping-pong table over sewer opening
- Gardener’s paradise = chiropractor’s meal-ticket
- Gourmet kitchen = includes cutting board
- Convenient to shopping = is located in a Safeway parking lot
- Modern appliances = includes flushing toilet
- Mountain view = from a tiptoed stance atop the chimney
- Doll House = big enough for Barbie (sans Ken)
- Unique floor plan = kitchen is in the living room
- Just needs your personal touches = i.e., walls
- Fixer = faux foundation
- Handyman’s dream = Joe Blow’s nightmare
- Mint = someone spilled mouthwash on the carpet
- Sweat Equity = you’re in a for a real stinker
